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[06 Feb 2020|11:44pm]
[ mood | happy ]

friends only.

The majority of my entries are friends only.
So just comment or add me, and I'll most likely add you back.

26 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[16 Apr 2009|04:47pm]
"Stephanie. Take a deep breath. Prioritize and gather yourself."
Mrs. Davis, thank you so much for the millionth chance. I don't deserve it, but for some reason you still think I have it in me, which in turn makes me believe that maybe I do.
Thanks for being able to bravely step into my brain and see that there's more to me than that impression of a shitty ass student that I thought for sure reflected a trillion more times than all my sincere apologizes, frantic e-mails at two in the morning, and cracked out zombie appearance. You became more human to me today when your sarcastic smirk and stern eyebrows, which continue to still sting the souls of over seventy students, turned into relating eyes that instantly made me see that you have been in my exact shoes, the ones that seem to get stuck in a gigantic quicksand patch of way too many thoughts, immobility, and not enough time, all the excuses I've given that have even gotten old to me, but you still saw them as real and true for some ungodly reason. I drove to class today thinking for the first time that I could really quite possibly fail this semester. I was coming to terms with that and finding peace in it, reminding myself that this is not the end of the world, that maybe I'm not in a good stage in life to be taking classes that require so much extensive writing and interactions. I kept reminding myself that almost every person I know is going through the same thing, if not a worse thing, and I'm just not good enough to get through it. Right when I had accepted the easy way out, you stared straight at me and told me to get with it, to hold on to the edges of life no matter what the fuck is going on, and get the fuck with it. Thanks for that.

[31 Mar 2009|12:09pm]
It's really hard to function when I think about the fact that everyone I know and everyone I don't know will die and be gone forever and that's something I'll never be able to run from, but it's something I don't think I'll ever be able to accept, either, so I'm stuck in this limbo of trying to live life to the fullest and just wishing I never had to wake up because that way I wouldn't have to think about the fragility of life and how short it is. Then this mindset makes me feel incredibly selfish because I know people care and I care for them and I know that would hurt them. But it's really hard to not feel alone when sometimes I go until five p.m. without talking to a single soul. Maybe the delicacy of life might not sadden me as much if for a second I thought there was some sort of happy go lucky place people end up when they die where they don't have to worry and are always happy but I can't believe that. I understand why people believe it because the thought of never touching or laughing or seeing someone they care about is enough to make anyone go crazy, but I'll never be able to get that belief back. I wish I could have that childlike unawareness back, but it's gone for fucking good. I'm selfish because I have experienced so much happiness in life, and there are some people who may never be able to even touch that sort of pure bliss, and here I am, fucking moping and feeling and acting this way. I see people in the grocery store and sitting beside me at redlights, and some look so distant and just goddamn sad, and I want to make life better for them, but then they disappear and I'll never know what was going on in their heads or what will happen to them. Even the strangers with familiar faces I see coming into the clinic, I'll never truly know them. I just silently cry for them at my stupid computer as I'm typing up the doctor's orders of upping their prescriptions because the numbness of the meds has wore off and life has once again become too tiring to bear, when all I really want to do is erase the prescriptions, erase it all and tell them, "you're wonderful and a beautiful person and I like your hair and the crow's feet around your eyes makes me hope that there was a time in your life when you laughed a lot and not just a sign of being tiresome, and that I care, I really fucking do and that I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here even if we never speak, I'm here for you. We have the common ground of both being humans and trying to make ends meet in a place that is somehow overwhelming and sad and beautiful and lovely and ugly all at the same time." I stare at my ceiling and wonder how people go on with life, how they can shove all this shit into the back of their brains. This stings my heart so much, and it's why I find things like class and work and even my health so minimal. And I know I'll be happy and embracing life in a short time, and I know I'm always shifting and I sound so typical, but this is what has been stuck in my mind for weeks and sometimes I feel like I will never stop crying.
5 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[28 Mar 2009|02:04am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

In the woods, in the mountains there's a good place to begin
The song about a black bear living in his black bear den
Doing all the black bear things a black bear just might do
I hope in my next lifetime I could be a black bear, too

And here comes black bear now, crashing through the brush
Unphased by thorns and branches that would hurt me to the touch
In pursuit of some small animal, the food chain is a truth
And the bear has the advantage of the massive claw and tooth

But he'll also stop for berries or honey from the bees
Or nuts that he can shake down from the canopy of trees
And afterwards he'll have his choice from any stream to drink
While I'll fill up another cup from my old kitchen sink

And if he wants he'll have a nap and dream his black bear dreams
And I could only dream of black, I dream I drink from streams
And as he sleeps he hears a breeze and knows that he is safe
While I'm sleeping with the fan on to drown out my lack of faith

The simplicity of solitude it's a hard thing to perfect
Stealing happiness from loneliness is not a simple theft
A black bear has it figured out and gets what he deserves
And the fur that he is wearing is the fur that he prefers

And when he stared across the river into my eyes, it made me shiver
And I knew that it was lovely to have a black bear thinking of me
And when he thinks, he is thoughtful and when he rests he is restful
And when he runs he runs the fastest he spins the earth right on its axis

And that's his gift to all showing us the sun
Keeping time for everyone a steady beating drum
And all the dirt he bounds upon he'd leave his heavy track
That is deep when he is young and blue but deepest when he's black
'Cause color for the black bear is a synonym for age
If I were one then I'd be in my cinnamon phase
Instead I am twenty-two and the decades weight a ton
This new century's essentially a bullet from the gun

It takes coffee pots that cost a lot just to stay abreast
But coffee hits my sense of loss and makes a nervous wreck
The simplicity of solitude is a hard thing to perfect
Stealing happiness from loneliness is not a simple theft

2 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

let them all go, let 'em all go [13 Oct 2007|02:02am]
Today's been nice.
I went to the elementary school to see about observing classes.
It was bizarre to walk down the sidewalk and realize that I hadn't walked down that exact sidewalk in almost ten years.
I'm glad that soon I'll finally take part in a classroom. Sometimes classwork overwhelms me, and I feel like maybe I should have majored in history instead of elementary education. But walking into an elementary school and being around all those kids who still enjoy the simple things and still have that complete unawareness of the reality of the world helps me remember why I'm doing this.
I hung out with Brandi and Dustin for a while. We drank too much coffee, smoked too many cloves, and talked about way too many conspiracy theories.
It's cold enough at night to wear a hoodie, which makes me very happy but lonely at the same time. This weather makes me want to wrap up in a blanket with Pete and watch absurd television shows and roll around on my bed all night, but I know I won't be able to do that. But I know two and a half months is not that long at all.
This time of year reminds me of counting down the days until I would first get to see him since he left. I hadn't seen him in nine months, and I was a nervous, excited wreck. I remember when I first saw him, and he looked a little different but smelled the exact same way as he did before he left (it was a good smell, of course). It wasn't awkward, but it just took a while to get use to physically being together. After nine months of not being able to kiss him, it seemed like it was the first time I ever had.
I guess this time of year just makes me miss him more. And I'm just being a lonely sap now. I'm not really that sad, just nostalgic. But sometimes I wonder if there's really that much of a difference between the two.

I took pictures of my pets today.
I will post them. Afterall, it is Caturday.
My kittens are now teenage kitties!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
After being an lj user for four years, you"d think I wouldn"t still need the FAQ section to figure out the HTML code for an lj-cutCollapse )

Hadji and the Turbans is having another reunion show on November 18th.
There's no way I can miss that. You Alabamians better be there!
11 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[26 Mar 2007|09:39pm]
Here are just a few of the many, many pictures I have from London. I don't have the time tonight to scan them all, but I scanned a few that make me laugh pretty hard.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Sammie and I chilling at St. Paul's Cathedral

London CallingCollapse )

I'm going to have a massive picture entry soon.
10 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[18 Mar 2007|07:58pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I'm at the Copthorne Tara Hotel right now.
The plane ride here was terrible, but it was totally worth it.
I'm in love with London. I couldn't keep my eyes off the scenery when we were driving from the airport in Gatswick to London. It seriously looked like the "Ireland" we see when we go to Panama City except greener, more hills, cottages, and sheep. Sammie and I have the greatest view from our hotelroom, we can see Big Ben and London's Eye.
Our tour guide is awesome. He's sitting right next to me and we are discussing the differences between these keyboards and the ones in the United States haha.
We explored London today. It rained and even "snowed" for a few minutes, and I must say I was so excited that I obviously looked like a tourist (which I'm sure everyone could tell that anyway). After eating at the Pizza Pasta Cafe (which also serves coffee AND SMOKING IS ALLOWED), we got day passes to the tube and rode to the St. Patty's Day festival. Irish music and irish flags and beer and hats were everywhere. People were riverdancing on a stage. Hundreds and hundreds of green and yellow balloons were released into the air and "Beautiful Day" started playing. Sammie and I gave money to a guy in a wheelchair on the sidewalk playing a violin. We went into the National Gallery, and we took pictures of children running and playing with hundreds of pigeons.
It's so beautiful. The streets, the buildings, I love everything about this place. Tomorrow we are going to a lot of other places.
Though this place is awesome, I really miss you guys and I can't wait to see you all again.

As for now, I'm going to the hotel bar and getting me a beer legally!

1 fmgb45i - kdh485rejk.

[15 Dec 2006|11:30pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

I have a lot to talk about- the plane ride, the seven hour wait at the Atlanta airport and all the people I met, and how great it is seeing Pete and his friends and Oklahoma and the way the Oklahoma City lights look like embers of a burnt down city from the sky, but I'm too exhausted to sit down and write a novel about how happy I am. But I will soon.

I keep forgetting I'm in Oklahoma, over a thousand miles away from home.
A waitress looked at me like I was crazy when I asked for a sweet tea.

But though I'm overwhelmed with joy, I do miss you guys (you know who you are), so so much.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to be away from you all for a long time and not feel just a little but of emptiness in my heart.

God, it's so wonderful to see the boy who makes me happiest.
I'm so happy I could cry.

1 fmgb45i - kdh485rejk.

[16 Aug 2006|03:10am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Yuck, classes start Monday.
So the summer is coming to an end, and it's safe to say that it's been a blast.
The year is more than half way finished. It seems like it was only yesterday we were celebrating the new year at the beach house.
Time plays tricks with my head, that motherfucker.


[22 May 2006|05:08pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

R.I.P beach house

I could write a novel about all the memories I've had there and how it's a reminder of the best time of my life, but instead I think I'm just going to leave some pictures. Though there were unforgettable times there that didn't get caught on camera, they will always be embedded in my mind. These pictures should pretty much explain it all.

the past yearCollapse )

Knowing we'll never be able to spend another night at the beach house makes me a lot sadder than I was about graduating from high school.

3 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[16 Apr 2006|06:36am]
This weekend was great, of course. I can't remember the last bad weekend I had.
Friday night was spent at the beach house with everyone, eatting a lot of "Italian" food and playing games of Scrabble using only sexual words/phrases. Earlier I drove around with Ben in his cute little yellow Jeep for a little bit. Afterwards, Stace, Luke, Adam, Amber, and I drove back to Opp and chilled there for a little bit. Amber made the best cd EVER. I'm so glad Amber and I finally decided to hang out.
I love driving through town in the early morning hours when it seems like no one else is awake. It really makes me nostalgic of so many times of my life. It reminds me of driving around with Jon, Stace, and Marc, blaring Frank Sinatra and stealing clothes from the thrift store, and modeling them around on picnic tables at the memorial field park. It reminds me of walking to the Tom Thumb with Marc just to buy chocolate milk. It reminds me of going to Luke's house during the summer and never sleeping. It reminds me of Stace, Krystal, and Marc having "sex in a cup" on top of the buildings up town, and driving around and around with everyone in Ben's SUV laughing way too hard. It reminds me of when Noelle first got her car, and we'd go to the Waffle House so late at night to play cards. It reminds me of driving home with Pete and falling onto my bed and having the best sleep ever just because he was there.
And I know it's a part of life for friendships to fade and for situations to change. I know all life is is just a series of changes, and the only thing you can do is live around them and deal. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't break my heart sometimes knowing that I can't have those times back.
5 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[03 Apr 2006|09:04pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Pete called just to tell me to have a good night, and I can't think of a better way to end such a good day.
I love being able to look forward to something.
I love knowing that in only a few days I will be around my favorite people and I'll be having such a great time, and everything that worries me or makes me second guess myself will be forgotten for at least a whole weekend.
I love knowing the semester will be ending in less than a month, and I'll be diving into yet another carefree summer. This hot weather is already bringing back summer memories, and it gets me all excited thinking about it.
I love knowing that whenever I need to hear words of reassurance, he really is just a phone call away now. And I have all these great people around that make me smile whenever I need to.

2 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[20 Mar 2006|03:52pm]
[ mood | good ]

This weekend was a lot of fun.
It was definitely a good way to start spring break.
Luke, Stace, Adam, Amber, and I loaded up in Luke's car and headed to Tally and spent the night with Luke's crazy sister. I absolutely love them.
I could explain everything, but I'll just post some pictures.

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Tally or bustCollapse )

Today is Pete's birthday. I talked to him on the phone Friday longer than I usually get to, and it was nice. Though the training he is doing is retardedly stressful, he is having a lot of fun, and it relieved me to know he was happy. It made me realize though it's normal to miss him, it's selfish to be upset that he is gone and to constantly be worrying about what we are when he is gone to better himself and his future. I'm lucky to have someone like him in my life, period. I want to thank him for so many things, and I don't think I ever really told him. He always made sure I was taken care of, and even now he makes sure. I never told him how much it meant to me whenever he'd drive into town just to kiss me and fall asleep with me. Or how it made me feel whenever he'd constantly shake me and ask, "Really, how'd you get so purdy?!" With him, I knew someone truly cared about me. He's number one in my heart, and I don't know what the future holds, but it's going to take one hell of a boy to change that.
Brian Carpenter is home, and just came by with Mark and Mycal. When I was a freshman, I gave him a button he had to carry with him every day, but he lost it. On his way home from Baghdad, he stopped in Ireland and got me a pin that has real clovers in it. He's one of my favorite people. Sometime this week he, Stace, Noelle, and I are going to go to the Waffle House like old times.

I'm going to take a shower now, FINALLY haha.

6 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[13 Dec 2005|12:14pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Finals are over. Last night was a really good night. Stace, Pete, and I stayed up talking waay past the time we should have, but it was nice.

Image hosted by

A solar eclipse is the result of the sun accidentally making eye contact with Chuck Norris.Collapse )

This Christmas break is going to be a blast.

3 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

don't stop me nowww, i'm having such a good time [11 Dec 2005|03:20pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Last night can be descibed in one word- WILD.

Man, I needed a night like last night.
I was around a fire in Alabama with my favorite people, met some killer people, and just had a real good time. Freddie Mercury would have been proud of me.

I should be studying for that calculus test I have tomorrow, but how is that possible when there's a steamin' (no Luke, not a steamer) hot Irish boy on my bed and watching Saturday Night Live?

3 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[24 Nov 2005|10:50pm]
[ mood | content ]

It was good seeing the rest of my family today. Even though there was the usual tension, it wasn't that bad this time.
The way home reminded me of the summer.
Maybe it was because I popped in some Bob Dylan for the first time in months, and Dylan always reminds me of the summer. But it made me think of that one time we all piled in Luke's car to see Kingdom of Heaven. No one took pictures and I don't even think anyone ever really mentioned it again, but I remember Luke and Stace were in the front and Austin, Marc, Pete, and I were in the back. I was sitting on Pete's lap and we were listening to the 80's mix cd I made, and we all were laughing hysterically when Marc began to sing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. I remember it was really cold for some reason and the movie sucked, but I was so relieved because Bryan and I had broken up earlier and I realized that right then I was exactly where I wanted to be for the first time in a while.
I also thought about the time Pete and I went over to his dad's house. He put the top down on the Rabbit and I had never ridden in a convertible before. It felt so weird looking up and seeing trees by go. It started to pour but we totally forgot about the top being down, and by the time we were done laughing and rolling around on his bed, the whole interior was completely soaked. It felt like we were in a jungle when he put the top back up. After that we hopped on the fourwheeler and went mudding, and he laughed at me because I was a "city girl" covered in mud.
It made me think about the times we'd all jump into the ocean at two in the morning fully clothed, even though the flag was red and there had been shark attacks.

Last summer was one of the best times I have ever had. I smiled all the time, and I felt like my presence mattered. I didn't have to try to make people happy, and I was reminded that there were such things as being considerate, being romanced, and being content with no strings attached.

2 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[17 Nov 2005|08:59am]
[ mood | happy ]

Today's been so great. It's 58 degrees outside and finally feels like winter.
I feel happy right now right now for no reason, but when I think about it, there's so many reasons I should feel like this every day.
This morning I woke up with one of the sweetest, coolest boys I have ever met.
I hung out with Dave and Leo after class. While eatting tater logs, Dave began talking about how overrated and unoriginal Fall Out Boy is, and he said, "In that one song, it sounds like he is saying 'We're going down down, yeah, let's go swimming. I saw a cockroach kissing a midget.'" haha I love my friends.
When I got home, my little Mexican neighbor was in my carport petting my kittens, and she informed me that she has a ring and is going to marry one of them.

I like taking the interstate home. I love how it's lined with trees and fields full of tall grass and cows. And I love how real civilization is only 50 miles away, complete with beautiful beaches and actual places to go.
Later on tonight we may play some frisby.
So when are we going all going to play some football? Luke, Dave, Pete, me, Stace, Ben, Leo, Dixon, and Austin- that's plenty of people!
I found my Journey's Greatest Hits, I can take mom's big boom box down to the rec center, and we can tackle our little hearts out in the cold, but I guess for now frisby will do.

Last night while in line for family night supper, I heard this cute old man say to a little girl, "Do you mind if I get ahead of you?" Then he pointed at the old woman that had been in front of the girl and with a big smile said, "She's my bride."

2 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[14 Nov 2005|02:21pm]
[ mood | good ]

So here are pictures from Friday night.
Image hosted by

11.11, RIP JoshCollapse )

gooooood times

2 fmgb45is - kdh485rejk.

[30 Oct 2005|06:48pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

This weekend was absolutely wonderful. I really needed a good weekend like this- hanging out with my great friends and my great boyfriend at the beach house, just laughing and talking about random things. I woke up this morning to Pete, then we walked to the beach and ventured among the sea oats with Adam.
I feel so organized with everything, but so messy at the same time. I feel small. This time of year makes me feel many things.
I cannot wait for this semester to be over, to have a month with no worries about college or anything like that.


[27 Oct 2005|01:07pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

My Judaism test was pretty easy. Economics was a bore. It's strange that I think the class I'm doing best in is calculus.

Last night Stace, Ben, and I went to the WH.
It makes me happy to see the same smiling old people that have been there for years.
Image hosted by
there ain"t no way to hide your lyin eyesCollapse )

It's burning up in here and I'm starving to death, but everything is cool because I have no more classes for three days, I'm getting a burrito in approximately fifteen minutes, and Pete Brosnan is spending the night.
What beats a bean burrito and an Irish boy?


1 fmgb45i - kdh485rejk.

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